Classical Jaz

My posts seldom make reference to my faith, so I hope that this one won’t offend. Perhaps it will seem a little quaint.

I’m a sucker for outlines – starting off with headings, and then attaching new headings to those – I also like mind maps – but as the ‘getting things done’ guru David Allen points out, these generally work better on paper than they do on computers. Computers are good at outlines, though – revealing as little or as much detail as required.

I find that outlines help me when I’m trying to pray. Mostly I work from my PDA, with outliners such as Bonsai and SplashNotes, but I did a quick search last night to see if there was an online equivalent. I found iJot, which is still alpha software, but which the developers are allowing amateurs like me to try out.

So, here is my iJot, trying to demonstrate that when Jesus taught his disciples how to pray, he was thinking along lines not dissimilar to my own. Perhaps I’m stretching a point, but I was able to line up the phrases of the Lord’s Prayer with the section headings I use nowadays when I pray. I’m sorry if this all sounds too analytical, but I do find it easier than sitting down with a blank sheet of paper, as it were, and not knowing where to begin.

I should say that before I begin my actual prayer, I usually read something from the bible; it helps, I think, to get me at least considering God’s agenda before I start.

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Just to follow up Auntie Doris’ tale about her parents’ cat, here is a photo of the gentleman (or so I believe) who visits us:

Coincidentally, his name (according to my wife and children) is also Billy.

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Agreed, Karin! it isn’t my job to come up with a diagnosis. I am still angry, though, that the psychiatrists at a certain hospital who were supposed to be looking after me were saying (to my parents) that there was no apparent cause for my depression (which justified their treating me with drugs, etc) without trying to find out if there might have been a cause. They never talked to me.

I’m struggling to put all of this into words. In a sense, you are right – I may not ‘have Asperger’s’. I’m still trying to work out what I should say to my GP so that he doesn’t immediately write me off as someone who has just found something on the Internet and thinks he might have it. What I am saying is that the description of Asperger’s on the National Autistic Society’s website has made sense of so much of my experience that I have to take it into account. It has already helped me in my family and work life. I believe that a diagnosis would help me further because it would enable me to say to people at work – these are the things which I find difficult. There are things which I am being asked to do which I cannot do, and people don’t understand why I can’t do them.

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Thanks for the comments; and thanks especially, Kerensa, for the tip – I’ve googled for ‘aspies’ and come up with some interesting hits.

A number of sources have indicated that it may be difficult to obtain a diagnosis, especially for myself. And I’m wondering whether I want to go through with a process which may be difficult and long drawn out. Particularly, I wonder if I really want to be seeing a psychiatrist, in view of what has happened to me in the past. But those experiences are part of the reason why I do want to be diagnosed. In fact, I am now angry that throughout my times of being hospitalised, no-one seems to have thought to pursue the possibility that I might have Asperger’s. All the time they were saying – this person is depressed for no reason, therefore there must be some chemical imbalance in his brain that is making him depressed, therefore all we have to do is to fill him up with drugs. And I was thinking – I have a reason for being depressed – but, of course, I couldn’t articulate that reason because I couldn’t see that they were seeing the world differently from me.

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As I continued to read “the Deafening Sound of Silent Tears” yesterday, I learned that people with Asperger Syndrome tend to be reliant on routine, and I thought, “I’m a bit like that.” As ever, Google is your friend, and I found the website of the National Autistic Society (or, to be more accurate, I found the page I linked to earlier). As I read through the characteristics of someone with Asperger, my eyes pricked with tears; I said to myself, over and over again, “That’s me.” I fought back the tears, because I was going to be on duty in 20 minutes, and went out for a quick walk.

Since then, so many pieces of the jigsaw have fallen into place that I feel that I shall have to seek a diagnosis. And when I told my wife this morning, her first response was to wonder if our son, too, may have Asperger. Possibly difficult times ahead, but if we can obtain some clarification, in the long run it can only help …

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Thank you, Ian, as always; and hoping that your travelling is going well.

Just on chapter 1 of “The Deafening Sound of Silent Tears”; already on the verge of tears myself.

It certainly brings a different perspective to my view of life. We (my family) find life difficult, but we are incredibly fortunate when compared with the people whose stories are sketched in the pages I have just been reading.

I am reminded of the work being done by an Edinburgh-based charity, called Bethany Christian Trust, which also grew out of the ministry of a Baptist church. If you (Jeff and Dith) haven’t been in touch with them already, it might be worth talking to them about their experiences.

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Here I am, at work, at my desk; there is too much to do, in too little time, which tends to paralyse me – I can’t concentrate on what I _am_ doing because I’m thinking about what I’m not doing.

But we keep going.

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Happy birthday, tractorBlog, from someone who is no longer 20 something to 40 something, but who is one of those who have had to deal with depression at some point in our lives. For some reason, I want to write down here some indication of the extent of that depression, in my own case.

It all started when I left home to go to University; I suspect that it may have started earlier, but it got its name when I was hospitalised half way through my second year. Then, I would probably have wanted to echo something I have read since in ‘The Valley of the Dolls’ – roughly: I’m not sick, I’m just unhappy. Unfortunately, there was no route back to the interrupted University course; I eventually started again at a different University, and somehow managed to graduate with an Engineering degree.

It was part way through my attempted PhD that I crashed again. The treatment this time around was heavier – including ECT – which I am still not happy about. Other circumstances intervened, so that on my recovery I found myself at yet another University. I didn’t finish the PhD, but it did become an MSc.

I found it difficult to get established in my work – to some extent a victim of the University’s preference for short term contracts – and decided to say ‘no’ to the possibility of a contract for another few months, and instead to seek employment elsewhere. In this venture I was unsuccessful, and for a third time, found myself back in hospital. On this occasion, I was sectioned – which means that I was detained without my consent (although they didn’t actually ask me). They very nearly gave me ECT again, but as I was about to be anaesthetised I punched out a window, desperately wanting, I guess, to escape.

There must be a pattern there … I can only say that each time there was a descent and an ascent … the ascent generally being slow and difficult.

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Rain asks:

do most men understand that if a woman’s needs are being met, his in turn will be met also? yet if she feels empty or taken for granted, he’ll never be able to receive b/c she can’t give?

Perhaps it was intended as a rhetorical question. I hope that Rain won’t be disappointed if I find myself unable to give a simple answer; I can’t speak for most men, anyway.

Trying to ensure that everybody’s needs are being met – in a family of two adults and two children – but coping with the demands being placed on each member, from inside and outside – is an ongoing challenge. I believe that as Christians we are called to love others as we love ourselves – and I guess that in a relationship that means trying to make sure that the other person’s needs are being met – but, of course, there is a danger, in an unbalanced relationship, of losing oneself in the perceived needs of the other person – I think that one has to be aware of one’s own needs, and to have some idea of whether or not these are being met, and being prepared to take action if one is oneself being drained.

I would expect, in the early stages of a relationship, that each party is to some extent trying to impress the other, and will at least appear to be tending to the needs of the other party. If from the outset a man appears to be entering a relationship with only his own needs in mind, something is wrong; I wouldn’t expect the woman to have much interest in furthering the relationship. But there is always the danger that one party may, essentially, be practising deceit – appearing to be interested in the needs of the other, but intending once the relationship is established to use the other to meet his (or her) own needs.

I agree, though; if a person is being drained, then sooner or later that person will have nothing more to give, with the result that both parties ultimately lose. I wish that I knew the answer, though. With the best will in the world, we can still find ourselves in a situation which is draining us, and to have few options before us – either we hold on, hoping that circumstances will improve – or, I suppose, we bail out …

I keep coming back to – it’s not that simple. I may do my utmost to ensure that my beloved’s needs are being met, and she may repay me by taking all that she can get and giving nothing. I would hope that by nurturing my beloved, she will blossom, and her happiness will enrich me also.

I continue to hope and pray, Rain, that you will find somebody with whom you can enter into a relationship which meets both of your needs, and becomes still more – a place where love – God’s love even – finds a home and grows – abundantly and overflowing …

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The book has arrived.

Actually, the photo is a bit of a cheat, because I have a couple of books to finish before I start reading this one. But I am looking forward to the experience (note the light of inspiration above my head occasioned just by reading one sentence of the introduction).

Many, many thanks!

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