To-morrow, we go on holiday. Our location will be Port Ban, on the west coast of Scotland (midge territory!). Internet access for the next fortnight, therefore, is unlikely.
Normal service, hopefully, will be resumed on our return.
A meeting at work this afternoon – discussing that area of responsibility which has caused me the most distress over the past few months – someone else has taken over leadership. I should feel relieved. I’m upset – this is a job which 10 months ago I was asked to do – and which I have tried to fulfil – but which, ultimately (unless this remission is only temporary) I have been unable to see through.
We’re pretty certain that what we’re seeing is some sort of fungus; I don’t think that there’s any immediate action we can take. I’ve read that fungal infections (infestations?) are specific to the species of tree (or plant). The wetness of recent weather is probably indirectly responsible. I think that all we can do is to dispose of the leaves when they fall – perhaps we’ll be able to burn them.
I will try to identify the tree – when I get a moment’s peace to go out with the book that I’ve borrowed from the library …
Ian, I’m guessing that Smudgie has travelled on a hovercraft a few times, since there is a service running between Portsmouth and the Isle of Wight. I suspect that the one currently plying the Firth of Forth is on loan from down there.
I suddenly noticed this evening that autumn seemed to have come early – some of the leaves on a large tree in our garden (I’m sorry, but I don’t even know what kind of tree it is) had started to go yellow:
On closer inspection, I discovered that some of the leaves were covered with something yellowish orange, and were curling up:
If anyone can identify what is ailing this tree, and offer any advice as to what we should be doing about it, I would be immensely grateful …
To-day, I’m taking a proper day off. I read in Christianity that John Stott found it helpful to have what he called a ‘Q’ day once a month. It clearly isn’t practical for me to take a day off a month just for myself, and I don’t think that mine is the kind of job where it would be acceptable for me to spend a working day out of reach, so I’m thinking that once a quarter (ie 4 days a year) I should take a day’s annual leave with no particular object in mind except to have some time out.
My team have been pretty good. Yesterday, I survived a team meeting. I’m beginning to think that what I need is some training, in areas like project management, as well as in technical matters. The university counselling service have emailed, offering me a start date (when I shall be on holiday, but I’m hoping that they’re happy to postpone the first session until the following week). A step at a time, I guess …
To-morrow, perhaps, we’ll try to get on Brian Soutar’s hovercraft, although I suspect that everyone in Edinburgh is currently thinking the same. Wife is keen to go somewhere – I’ve suggested the train to Stirling.
I feel that I’ve let the side down.
Roughly thirty-two years ago, Christmas time, I was at home, in the middle of my second year at university (away from home). I was talking to our next door neighbour, who happened to have been my piano teacher, and started to cry. Her husband was a doctor, and they knew another doctor, a GP who specialised in psychiatry. I saw this other doctor, who referred me to a consultant psychiatrist. The consultant recommended that I be admitted to hospital. Eighteen months later, I was starting again, back in first year, at another university.
I suppose that in the scheme of things it made sense to go for help. A week is considerably less than eighteen months. But either way, I’ve lost my place. I’m not complaining; it’s fair enough. I just don’t know how to start trusting myself again, let alone expect other people to trust me.
With thanks, of course! I deeply, deeply appreciate your prayers. To-day was, undoubtedly, a step forward. I entirely understand my boss’ reservations. I have to be working at a level which matches what I am being paid. There is a problem, because the university has moved the goalposts – and we, I guess, have not stood our ground, but allowed this to happen – not that we (our team) had much choice in the matter. But from my point of view, I have to stop saying that I will do things which, in my heart of hearts I know that, I am not capable of. But we’re talking, which is good. And I understand that we have to keep talking, which is also good.
On the other hand, I have run out of whisky. It has become apparent to me that I am imbibing too much alcohol. Limits have been set (by me). One bottle of whisky a month (not unreasonable, surely). This is (what?) the 17th. Whisky-free zone until August.
Somewhat surreal. Radio 3 – late night prom – Spem in Alium – 40 part motet by Thomas Tallis – daughter (accustomed to Fischy Music) has fallen asleep to the accompaniment of this music – I may now be listening to Striggio’s 40 part Mass – which lay undiscovered in a musem in Paris until recently – like being in a time machine – going back 400 years …
I have just spoken briefly with my boss; he wants to have ‘a more detailed chat’ later this morning.
What am I going to say to him? Most jobs do have some stress. Nobody likes to have to get up on a Monday morning, and go to work. A few of us are lucky enough to enjoy our jobs. Five years ago, I would probably have said that, on balance, I liked my job. Somewhere, since then, a line has been crossed. And, somehow, I want to get back to the right side of that line.
I don’t mind working hard. I don’t like not knowing what I should be doing. And I don’t like having to do things which don’t feel right. I don’t like politics. I don’t like doing things which may be right for some people, but not for others.
I do like to help people. I like to solve problems. Perhaps I’m just a dinosaur – I don’t belong in the new world of managed desktops, identity management, and server management which isn’t management because somebody else ‘facilities manages’ the box.
